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what's happening? >> what's happening. jon, it's beautiful here, jon. friendly people. rich history. delicious food. i'm having a fantastic time >> jon: really? that's great >> not really, jon. of course not. have you been near a [bleep] television recently? things are pretty bad around here. look, i think it's important for us all to pause and note that it is clearly not the majority of muslims who are protesting in the streets. it's not even the majority of protestors who are getting violent. to put this in context, we should really remember islam's young age. >> jon: it's 1400 years old exactly, jon. in religious years islam is still just a teenager. put it in context. think what christianity was doing when it was only 1400 years old. >> jon: no, that's not... ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yeah, i guess that is. .. >> exactly. bloody crusades, the inquisition, execution of hair ticks. christianity is just lucky there weren't cell phones around then to film that [bleep]. >> jon: you know what? i mean, if you think about it, when judaism was still a teenager >> judaism, are you k
and applause ) >> jon: hey, everybody, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. in the great city of tampa, this is the third night that officially qualifies the daily show as an invasive species. so michael steele will be joining us at the end too much show, moments ago mitt romney of massachusetts accepted his party's nomination for the presidency, it was a speech full of sentences. that i thought he really delivered in english. we will have more details tomorrow. but yesterday, it was romney's running mate paul ryan's party favorite, and electric speaker and to highlight the theme, we can change it. either a reference to the terrible state of this country or something convention organizers just put in as a placeholder and, you know. either way, the main event, ladies and gentlemen, the jack of janesville, the wisconsin wonder boy, mr. paul -- holy (bleep) that guy is and some! look at those eyes! paul ryan, aruba call and wants the pools of blue tranquil water back. whoo! >> young and fit, has a political party ever had a greater disparity between the vitality of one of its vi
. we will not duck the tough issues. we will lead. >> jon: oh. a romney-ryan administration will do good, not bad. because bad is the lesser of those options. that is a speech, you are a policy expert. ladies and gentlemen, aretha franklin will come out and knit for you. oh, come on. all right. no details, but perhaps you would like to expand on this week's theme, that any successful business is solely the result of individual achievement. >> and i hope you understand this too. if you are feeling left out or passed by, you have not failed. your leaders have failed you. >> jon: time out, chiseled chin mcnice face-ington. >> really good-looking. >> let me get this straight. so if your dry cleaning business section with a democrat in office, you built that, but if your dry cleaning business fails with a democrat in office, the government (bleep) you. so show me more hard truths. that sounds like it just is a convenient truth. you know, at this point in his speech i would settle for any truth. >> $760 billion funneled out of medicare by president obama. >> what? you mean the $716 billi
captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is is jon stewart. we're back home, baby. back from the conventions. very excitedded tonight. on our program kofi annan will be joining us on the program. former secretary-general of the united nations. what an eventful week. remember the internet, the magical force that showered democracy on the middle east >> when you look at the arab spring, how were people able to amass in various places? twitter >> it's impossible to overstate the role the internet has played. the arab spring wouldn't have happened without twitter and without social media >> jon: true. it's true. of course here we use it to blog the x-factor. millions of people it's an exciting time for twitter. hey, what else is on the internet? let me see. that's not arab spring. democracy, no freedom. yeah, that's... i don't know what that is. what's this? >> an incredibly amateurish, crude and nasty movie made in the united states and released on you-tube, "innocence of muslims" it's called. it depicts the prophet mohammed as a dope, a fraud,
( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. got a good one for you tonight. our guest tonight, the author salman rushdie. i can't imagine which events currently in the news will be discussed. (laughter) hey, remember the republican conventions that took place two weeks ago. big opportunity for one mitt romney. >> he will have his first major national platform to introduce himself and his ideas to the american people. >> jon: yes! (laughter) after only a solid, let's say, seven years on the campaign trail. (laughter) mitt romney finally had a prime time television slot to introduce himself to the voters. and ultimately ended up getting upstaged by a piece of wood. all right. (laughter) a piece of wood who spent most of his time talking to a chair. boom! (laughter) boom! (cheers and applause) no. i still love clint eastwood. i'm going on record. still love clint eastwood. all right, just three weeks after being upstage bid a chair and completely botching his response to the horrible events in libya, a new announcement from the r
captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪jon: welcome to the show. i'm jon stewart. we're still here in denver, it's day two. it's day three it's mountain time. our coverage is 26 hours behind. we must get right to the coverage. last night it was a huge one for the steps. built around a headlining speech by hillary clinton. but the lead up to the main event was full of inspiring speeches from sebelius, paterson, velazquez, schweitzer who is out with a career ending penis injury. brian schweitzer who is going to lead us into the next president of the united states. take that lieberman. they don't need you because schweitzer is in the house. what is the matter you are not jewish. that explains the bolo tie. ultimately it's the former presidential candidate and alien abduction dennis kucinich to ton yorabble rouser. >> wake up america. wake up america! [cheers and applause] >>jon: well, i have been in show biz for a long time. when you do this. isn't it supposed to be a puff of smoke or something like that. i mean a speech or end your shift playing black jack. of course not everyo
with mitt romney who's just unveiled a new campaign strategy. >> jon: did we say we were gonna introduce him at the convention? no, no. that's not-- (laughter). you always reintroduce the candidate three weeks after the convention. (laughter) sort of like saying to a girl "come on, just go on a seventh date with me." (laughter) "i'll grow on you." (laughter) so the big rollout of romney 9.0 started yesterday. how'd the reboot go. >> topping the agenda today, mitt romney in damage control mode. >> jon: on day one of the reboot? (laughter) yes, the romney campaign's reboot was spoiled by footage from last may of governor romney at a $50,000 a plate fund-raiser talking to rich people about poorer people in a manner you would imagine cartoon rich people talk about cartoon poorer people. (laughter) >> there are 47% of the people who will vote for the president no matter what who are dependent on government, who believe that they are victims. who believe that they're entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. >> jon: release the hound. (laughter and applause) who are they? who a
. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hi, everybody. welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. it is our final night. it is a friday night in charlotte, the end of the presidential convention season. the democrats spent the first two nights of their convention highlighting their very distinct vision of america, where citizens of all races and creed work together to defraud real americans will of their hard-earned-- ( laughter ) sorry about that. uh, help each other succeed together. but after laying out their vision a renewed american spirit, there was one other thing that they wanted to remind people of. >> he promised to bring osama bin laden to justice. done. >> jon: bin laden, dead. niedermayer. dead. yes, the democrats accentuated the non-livingness of bin laden in film. in words, and i guess once they got bored of that, in slogan. >> bin laden sure isn't it heavin. >> ask osama bin laden if he is better off now than he was four years ago. >> osama bin laden is dead, and general motors is alive. ( cheers and applause )
asif. >> thank you, jon. [applause] >> jon: what are you doing, asif? >> sorry, jon. just tapping the rockies. [applause] >> jon: you're going to go with the beer ad thing too? >> it's colorado. the entire state's a beer ad. that's why the democrats picked it. to show that they're just a bunch of joe six-packs. they're just like you. bobby beer-goggles and your wife, jane drunk sluts -- hyphen beer goggles. >> jon: do you really believe that beer ads are the best branding for the democrats -- >> oh, oh -- sorry, jon. that's my train. i got to go. [applause] >> jon: in our election center watching the speeches as they happen. your take on the election speeches, wyatt. please don't do that, wyatt. wyatt. they don't even make that beer here in colorado. that is -- all right. where is larry? is he in the election center as well? >> what's up? what's up? what's up? [applause] what's up? >> jon: all right, everybody. we get the point. we're going to go to john oliver on the floor of the election. john? >> jon, thank you. i could not disagree more with my colleagues. if the democrats are
) ( cheers and applause ) my name is jon stewart. charlotte, north carolina. my guest tonight new york senator kirsten gillibrand. it 150es 1:00 on the east coast. i imagine the cowboys game wrapping up and tonight's speaker bill clinton is about a quarter of the way through. (laughter) (as clinton) you remember my tax relief bill in' 912348 let me recite it to you from memory. we have full team coverage starting with span that bee at the convention center. sam bee. >> i'm not there yet. a lot of security in charlotte. (laughter) i'm still at a checkpoint on church and west 10th. i can't get through, charlotte police tell me access point has been switched to the corner of south church and east third so i guess i'm going to head there. (applause) >> sam, don't bother. >> pelley: jessica williams? >> i'm at south church and east third. you're not going to get through here, it's locked down. state police tell me access point has been switched. it's now sixth and davisson which coincidentally is where i was an hour ago when i was sent here! >> pelley: jessica, why are you both on foot. w
luck, i ditched my mine four hours ago. >> jon? >> john. >> al madrigal, tell me you've gotten inside the perimeter. >> i'm very close to the convention center. the bad news is that my camera guy didn't get in. (laughter) i asked one of the cops how to get a camera through the checkpoint he said "they brought me in from atlanta, how the (bleep) should i know? stphaoupl jason jones, are you there? >> i've done everything they've asked me to do. i've got 40 pounds of ye credentials around my neck. local cops, mall cops, i borrow add (bleep)ing segway and still i ran into a barricade and when they told know go back the other way i ran into another (bleep)ing barricade! >> jon: there's a lot of security, i guess, samantha. >> jon, the demilitarized zone between north and south korea has a lot of security. this (bleep) is insane! (cheers and applause). >> jon: well, thank you, guys, we'll check back in with you later. listen, last night. .. (applause) the audience appears to have had a similar experience. last night was the official opening of the democratic national convention, of course,
. >> jon: bin laden, dead. niedermayer. dead. yes, the democrats accentuated the non-livingness of bin laden in film. in words, and i guess once they got bored of that, in slogan. >> bin laden sure isn't it heavin. >> ask osama bin laden if he is better off now than he was four years ago. >> osama bin laden is dead, and general motors is alive. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: i ask you tonight, my fellow americans, what is black and white and killed osama bin laden? ( laughter ) ( applause ) president obama. request ( cheers and applause ) but before the man-- before the man who, from what i understand, had a role in the demise of terrorist mastermind osama bin laden-- >> done! ( laughter ). >> jon: got it. before the president would speak, we were treated to more democratic all-stars, the daughter of the president. a didn't become president. and the winner of the prestigious 2012 gesticulators invitational, former michigan governor, jennifer granholm. >> we need to ref up our engines in your car and on your ballots. the "d." is for drive forward. the "r." is for reverse. in this el
, not back. let's re-elect our great president, barack obama! >> jon: holy ( bleep )! i can't believe it. in my estimation, that woman shouldn't be driving at all! ( laughter ) ( applause ) she appears to be a drunk flight attendant. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you know, there's someone i met last week in tampa i would love to set the governor up with for a lost weekend of political infighting and hate ( bleep ). >> president obama's never run a company. he hasn't even run a garage sale or seen the inside of a lemonade stand. >> jon: that would be a hell of a conversation. "why won't you extend the bub tax cuts?" "why do you want a voucher system isystem?" ( bleep ) friday night. and then,, vice president joe biden gave a powerful speech, emphasizing his blue collar roots, his strong family ties and of course his physical proximity to the president. >> day after day, night after night ti sat beside him as he made one gutsy decision after the other. i walked 30 paces down the hall into the oval office, and i see him. i watch him in action. i got to see firsthand what drove this man. folk
. >> the two sides are locked basically in this labor dispute. >> jon: a labor dispute! yes, as it was in the days of the triangle shirtwaist factory and the pinkerton boys. a labor dispute has once again taught americans about the irreplaceable value of working men and women. >> chicago standoff. teachers now say they will not be back today as their strike enters its second week. >> jon: not that labor dispute. (laughter) irreplaceable working men! not lazy public sector-- fattened on gift apples and lounging in their faculty lounges with their chalky fingers and mugs! (laughter) all of which proclaim they to be the world's greatest teacher! there can be only one! (laughter) (cheers and applause) i think i pulled an about mall mull. (laughter) i'm talking about real workers! >> 2,000 workers in china took to the streets. foxconn has faced charges of poor working conditions, low pay and mandatory overtime in the past. the factory that was the site of riots reportedly makes cases for the iphone 5. >> jon: oh, fruit, you can't escape my blades of ninja. (laughter) oh, fruit yo
back to the n.f.l. >> jon: yes! the media has finally taken a stand on an issue of this day and said let's bring our boys home! (laughter) bring them home to the n.f.l. because-- mr. goodell, tear down that wall! (speaking german) look, america finally learned what it would take to quickly set al labor dispute, a blown off interference call and an interception that not only cost the green bay packers a victory it cost one unnamed american who had taken the packers while giving the point $200 in one week for one week wearing only a seattle seahawks jersey and a thong. (cheers and applause) by the way, that is clearly someone else's body. (laughter) i don't know what that-- (laughter) if that was-- honestly, if that was a picture of me it was look like a gibbon wearing a jersey. (laughter) i don't know what-- i don't know who he got as a stand-in but-- (laughter). i have-- do you know-- i have so much hair on my ass that blur never would have in any way-- (laughter). (cheers and applause) only one side. the other side is relatively losing hair. what i do is i comb it over. (laughter) b
the obama administration. (audience reacts) and have real refs and real leaders fix this-- >> jon: what the hell? how did you combine the-- you can tie any situation, i guess, into that. "you know, i'm glad jerry sandusky is going to prison. but you know the person really raping america's children is president obama with his unfunded mandates." (cheers and applause) for more on the n.f.l. labor dispute we go now to senior correspondent john oliver outside n.f.l. headquarters in new york. john, what is the status right now of the n.f.l. dispute? >> well! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> who families both alike in dignity, one the referee, the other the league of national football is locked in dispute ages old. oh fair referees! (laughter) shirts bestripes arms akimbo with only a flag and wheus toll examine desperation and fair n.f.l. battered but unbowed like henri at agincourt from this day to the ending of the world! (cheers and applause) but we shall be remembered. we few, we happy few, we band of brothers! (cheers and applause) >> jon: my god. my god. that's-- (cheers a
a stadium. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: thank you very much. we're delighted to be here. thank you so much. thank you to the center for the performing arts at the university of denver being kind to us all week long and we've learned something about colorado that i want to share with you, there is absolutely no middle ground in this state. we were either a rapture-awaiting promise keeper. or you drive a car that runs on gorp. next week, of course, we'll be at a much lower altitude in st. paul, minnesota, covering the republican convention. obviously, so much more oxygen and yet somehow even harder to breathe. invesco field, 84,000 revellers, the first presidential acceptance speech visible from space but before we get to barack obama, please welcome the cavalcade of hope players. stevie wonder. sheryl crow. the rolling stones were there. jimmi hendrix back from the dead. i can't believe it. oh, my god, wolfgang amadeus mozart was there. and there he is, hype we can believe in. >> with profound gratitude and great humility, i accept your nomination
with the bread already. >> jon: four years ago, he made us hope again. yes, we can. now he wants to make us hope again, again. >from charlotte's ville, this is the -- captioning sponsored by comedy central >> very excited you're from north carolina line -- so named for the band who was here in 1986. we're at the imaginon theatre,, joe an are here to entertain usn tonight dnc host city. we are in tampa at the republican national convention. we are slowly working our way back home. >> we're not better off than we were four years ago. >> hope and change were elected four years ago. and where has that gotten us. this president cannot tell us that you're better off today when we took office. sure he can [bleep] hey, mr. president, it's still a free country until obama gets re-elected. no -- he got me again. at the republican convention, are you better off? no. now the next day of the 1kreu79d 1kreu79d -- scripted dance, do the journalist -- can you honestly say that people are better off today than they were four years ago? >> that's not the question of this selection. >> see, it's just a scripted
news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. whoa, we got a show for you, joining us from the new york knicker bockers basketball club mr. amare stoudemire will be joining us. we will trade notes on how each of us celebrated yom kippur. now, obviously you have heard about the tensions in syria, iran, throughout the mideast. but there is a battle brewing much closer to home. >> tonight the food fight sweeping school cafeterias nationwide. >> students who say healthy lunches now mandated under federal guidelines are leaving them hungry. >> jon: news flash! extra extra, children think school lunches suck. (laughter) we now go out to our own captain obvious who has been following this story since schools began serving lunch. (laughter) all right, what's the problem? >> smaller portions, fewer calories, less meat and cheese, and more fruits and vegetables. >> some kids are complaining that their lunch doesn't fill them up. >> the new rules limit elementary schoolers to 650-- 650 cal
. >> the white house says he has no plans to have any private leadings with world leaders. >> jon: oh. (laughter) well, that's-- probably protocol. it's not the time for one-on-one meetings with other world leaders! >> our research shows it's been 20 years since a president has been to that meeting and not met one on one with a foreign leader. (audience reacts). >> jon: oh. (laughter) well, i guess if the world leaders would like to meet with him personally they can just donate $5 to his campaign and take their chances like the rest of us. (laughter) seriously. i'm sure there's a good reason why president obama's not going to be face to face with world leaders in these difficult and historic times. >> the president obviously has a busy schedule. he has a busy schedule all time. >> jon: yeah, he's got a busy schedule! (laughter) he can't just be meeting every world leader willy-nilly! (laughter) just because he's not meeting them face to face doesn't mean he's not filled with high level strategic room defcon economic simulations. >> president obama will appear on "the view" this morning. (audienc
're not creating jobs rather than losing them. >> jon: oh, better off. [laughter] but clearly the cracks are having a more -- the democrats are having a more difficult time -- they came to charlotte to lend a hand. >> four years ago america was fine. >> jon: yes. we. can. >> this slogan sounds like the kind of thing that matthew broadic shouted to the soldiers in glory before they were shot to pieces. the democrats clearly need help. let's think of a slogan you can put on a bumper sticker and make everybody expose it for the four years ahead. >> he didn't create -- >> i don't like it but i definitely don't like it. >> moving on up. >> moving on up. [laughter] >> trials and tribulations and we're going to -- >> that's not a slogan. >> nobody's perfect. >> nobody's perfect. >> pretty bad. >> i feel worse than i did when we started this conversation. >> i do apologize. >> that's all right, i do apologize. >> okay, oh, okay. >> trying his best he can. >> he's doing the best he can. that's a pretty good slogan. performance -- he's trying the best that he can. [laughter] >> he's trying the be
, this is the democratic national convention, hoping change 2. let's get fooled again. >> jon: yeah, baby! welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. our guests tonight austan goolsbee, former economic adviser to the president now living a glorious and care-free life of decadence as a tenured college professor. barack obama, i'm assuming has just finished his speech accepting the nomination of the democratic party and at the end of it threw down his mike and said [bleep] all y'all. that was weird! (cheers and applause) let's begin the night with night 2 of the democratic national convention where democrats are capitalized-- the passionate populism of deval patrick. the lo qua shouldness of uno e dual and michelle obama who crushed it so hard republicans were desperate to change the subject. >> republicans are now blasting the democrat's platform. >> why would they remove that jerusalem should be the capital imof israel. >> the word god was gone. the one reference before, the republicans had 12 references of god. >> how there can be an entire section on faith if you don't mention god with.
mandated under federal guidelines are leaving them hungry. >> jon: news flash! extra extra, children think school lunches suck. (laughter) we now go out to our own captain obvious who has been following this story since schools began serving lunch. (laughter) all right, what's the problem? >> smaller portions, fewer calories, less meat and cheese, and more fruits and vegetables. >> some kids are complaining that their lunch doesn't fill them up. >> the new rules limit elementary schoolers to 650-- 650 call reerx 700 calories for middle schoolers and 850 for high schoolers. >> jon: extra extra, school lunches suck! and the portions are too small. (laughter) so you hate the food and you want more of it. but i guess look f the government is actually policing students and reses-- restricting their caloric intake that does seem a bit draconian. >> despite calorie limits students can always get seconds of fruits and vegetables. >> jon: oh, sure, fruits and vegetables, like that counts as food. you know what we call fruits and vegetables at my school, nerd grenades. and i should know because i go
calories for middle schoolers and 850 for high schoolers. >> jon: extra extra, school lunches suck! and the portions are too small. (laughter) so you hate the food and you want more of it. but i guess look f the government is actually policing students and reses-- restricting their caloric intake that does seem a bit draconian. >> despite calorie limits students can always get seconds of fruits and vegetables. >> jon: oh, sure, fruits and vegetables, like that counts as food. you know what we call fruits and vegetables at my school, nerd grenades. and i should know because i got hit by a lot of nerd grenades. (laughter) i thought my nick name was incoming. (laughter) all right, sure. this is only for lunches that are subsidized by the government and sure, you're allow unlimb thed fruits and vegetables. but a third of our kids are overweight or obese. and if this keeps up from the government we are never getting that above 50%. (laughter) i'm still not clear on why they're hungry. >> at some schools the amount of food thrown out in cafeterias is shocking. >> kids are now throwing aw
) >> jon: moments like these in an election season that you would think would be crushing obama's reelection chances. and yet they are not. why, you ask? (laughter) it's the subject of tonight's news segment "barack obama's the luckiest dude on the planet." (laughter) in an ordinary election involving a stagnant economy, global unrest, and the typical incumbent president would be at an enormous disadvantage. unless-- >> does the government have a responsibility to provide health care to the 50 million americans who don't have it today? >> well, we do provide care for people who don't have insurance. we pick them up in an ambulance and take them to the hospital and give them care and different states have different ways of providing for that care. (laughter) >> jon: unless-- normally he would be in trouble unless that incumbent president is running against the guy who just appeared to suggest that we don't need to do a health care plan for uninsured americans because we have emergency rooms! (laughter) and, like, they're open all night. (laughter) they're, like, 7-elevens but-- (
and stand up for what we believe! >> jon: boom, and i mean, boom. although obviously, not really how backbones work. you can't just grow one force of will. my point is this-- (laughter) democrats ain't going to get distracted by your bull [bleep] partisan whining and redo a platform that -- >> mr. chairman, i move that we suspend the rules to permit an amendment to the platform adopted by this convention last night. (laughter) >> jon: what are you do approximating? reversing your principleses to appeal to hard-core dead-end republicans? who are you, mitt romney? (laughter) apparently at the urging of fox news, democrats drafted language that god and jerusalem is the capital of israel back in their platform. >> the matter requires a two-thirds vote in the affirmative. all those delegates in favor say aye. all those delegates opposed say no. >> in the opinion of the-- let me do that again. (laughter) >> jon: good idea. good idea. you should do that again. (laughter) because that first time, it didn't seem to work out for you. >> all of those delegates in favor say aye. >> aye! >> all t
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 947 (some duplicates have been removed)

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